My weight & me

Let’s talk about weight.

As mentioned in my goals/aspirations post – I’m starting a weight loss series as I aim to lose the lbs. I’m hoping to write as often as I can about my journey – I can see it ending up being a “Dear Diary” kind of feature 😉 So today marks the start of these posts and I hope you’ll join me along the way and support me as *hopefully* the weight comes off and I find myself.
 
This is really hard for me to write so I hope my thoughts come across in the right way.
Where do I begin…ah yes let’s take it back to May 2011 when I was at my heaviest, 14 stone. It seems awful enough just typing that amount but that was me; Wobbly Wanda. I’ll point out that I was never under any illusion that I was slim at all. I knew I was overweight and sure I’d have a paddy if clothes didn’t look right or fit me properly (or at all, usually the latter). That being said, I never felt disgusted at my weight and I kind of just accepted it. I had a boyfriend who I’d been with for a long time and I guess I’d just become comfortable. Not so long after May, my boyfriend broke up with me and my weight was a big – pardon the pun – reason for the end of the relationship. He didn’t find me attractive anymore and I’ll be honest, we barely had sex. Instead of sitting and crying about it – it just spurred me on to change myself, lose weight and feel confident. Within 4 months I’d lost 2 and a half stone and I felt fantastic. I was getting compliments left, right and centre. I’d never had that kind of attention before and I loved it. What was even better was that I saw the ex-boyfriend at Christmas and he was pretty upset that I looked so different. In fact, he did ask me why I didn’t lose the weight when we were together. Niiice.
I lost the weight by cutting down on what I ate massively, sticking to the same foods day in day out and I did Zumba 4 times a week. The weight flew off. It wasn’t sustainable though – I moved to another office at work where everyone eats anything they can get their hands on and I started eating badly again. However, I joined the gym and continued with Zumba so the weight fluctuated but not massively. In hindsight, I lost the weight the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. I thought I was doing it for myself but I wasn’t. I was subconsciously doing it to prove a point and that wasn’t the right way to do it at all. Ladies, if you’re on the “heartbreak diet” or the “screw you diet” the weight always comes back on it’s just a matter of when.
I’ve always been an “all or nothing” type of person, if I’m being healthy then I don’t touch anything bad and I’m constantly checking calories. However, when I slip and eat badly I go on a downwards spiral. I’ve been known to starve myself in the past because I’d think it’ll help lose the weight even when I know in the back of my mind that’s not the case.
Last year, the weight crept back on. I began to go into my shell as I just felt quite lonely – like everyone was out enjoying life and growing up whilst I stood still.  I know now that all the times I’d lie about what I ate and the mental torture over my weight that I had from my ex-boyfriend did affect me and it still does. I’ve made myself think that all men will do the same and my weight will always be an issue. Like no one will love me for me and I shouldn’t think that way.
As I approached 25 the more and more pressure I had on me to be like others – married with kids or saving money for deposit. I think the pressure of that and the loneliness was the catalyst for the weight gain. I skipped the gym, barely trained for my 10k and I’d lay in bed feeling sorry for myself. Some weekends I’d not even leave my bed let alone the house. Of course, I began emotionally eating – I’d scoff Subway, McDonald’s and takeaway pizza a little too often. It just got worse towards the end of the year as I’d look in the mirror and hate what I saw.
For me, my weight has always gone straight to my legs, bum and stomach. I always know I’ve put weight on or lost it from my chin. When I’ve put it on, it doubles in size and when I’ve lost it, it disappears! Now, I’m not kidding anyone as I know I’ll never be stick thin, nor do I want to be but how I am now isn’t healthy and it’s not making me feel attractive.
So, like many others, I decided that on January 1st I needed to change. To change for me and no one else. I still don’t feel like I’ve found “me” and I know my weight is a massive issue for me. I joined Slimming World this past Tuesday and that really hit home with me. I’d not weighed myself for over a year and I knew it wouldn’t be good. 13stone 11.5lbs. Knowing I’m almost at my heaviest terrifies and frustrates me all at the same time but I know what I need to do.
I think this is the most personal thing I’ve written and it does feel quite cathartic doing it despite knowing how sensitive this subject is for me. I’m not saying I’m obese because I know I’m not and I don’t want any one to get the impression I’m after attention. That’s really not the case – these posts are to motivate me to lose the weight and hopefully help others too.
 Sorry this post is like “War and Peace” but I needed to get it off my chest.
Love, Katie xo
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